A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.