You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup
Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north
Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon
Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book
Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg
(Mike Gentile)
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.