It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.
Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.
I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(By Andrew Jefferson)
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”