It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"