Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.