I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.