There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.