I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.
Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.
I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.
Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."
The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."
"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."
"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."
She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."
"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.