Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"