What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!