Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.