A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.
But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.
Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.
- by Samiya Vallee
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.