A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!