It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.