Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.