What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!