What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.