“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson