There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.