Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.