Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.