There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.