The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)