My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.