A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."