A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?