A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."