A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally