What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.