Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.