A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."