A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"