A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.