Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.