Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”