René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."