The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?