An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.