I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"