Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.