A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.