There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.