Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.