Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.