There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.