An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?