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4 Weddings and a Funeral Director

An 80-year-old lady was being interviewed by a local news station because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer began to ask her questions about her life, why she has decided to get remarried at 80, and for some information about her new husband. "My husband is a funeral director", she answered. "That's interesting", the reporter replied. The reporter was then curious about her previous three husbands and what their professions had been. After a few minutes of reflection, the woman smiled and answered proudly. She explained that in her 20's she married a banker, in her 40's a circus ringmaster, a preacher in her 60's and now, in her 80's, a funeral director. The reporter was unsure how to process her answer and then asked why she married four men with such different lives and career choices. The woman once again smiled and explained, "I married the first for the money, the second for the show, the third to prepare myself, and the fourth to go!"

The KGB and the Rabbit

Years ago, the CIA, the Mossad and the KGB were tasked to find a rabbit in a dense forest as a friendly competition between agencies. The CIA, returns with a rabbit in 24 hours, explaining that they'd used an array of satellites pinpointing the location of the rabbit in record time. The Mossad returns with a rabbit in 48 hours, stating that they'd used a network of informants and ground operatives to locate the rabbit with a fraction of the cost. The KGB agents return after 5 days with a giant bear. Surprised and bemused, the other parties laugh and say to the KGB that they were supposed to bring back a rabbit! The KGB agents replied: "This is a rabbit, ask it for yourself if you don't believe us." As they all turn towards the bear. The bear glances at the KGB agents fearfully and says: "I'm a rabbit."

Third Time's the Charm

A woman walks into a bar. He’s very inebriated, so she stumbles to the bartender. ‟I will have a whiskey schlour!” she slurs ‟I can’t serve you ma'am, you’ve had too much.” The barkeep informs her. Looking disgruntled, she walks out the front door. A few minutes later she walks in through the side entrance. ‟Barkeep, give me Gin and Ginger.” she hiccups. ‟As I told you before, I can’t serve you, would you like me to get you a cab?” The bartender says patiently. Looking quizzically at the bartender, she shakes his head and stumbles out. A few minutes later she walks in the front door again. ‟Give me Blue Motorcycle!” she demands. ‟Look ma'am’ the bartender says sternly, having lost his patience, ”if you do not let me call you a cab, I’m going to have to call the police.‟ She peers at him with red, blurry eyes and mumbles, ”How many friggin' bars do you work at??‟

Chuck Norris Jokes

The Wife's Math

A woman comes home and find a letter from her husband on the dinner table. She opens it and reads: "My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight." When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18...

Rich Fathers

A 19-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl cries and says she only dated the father for a few weeks. She picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if the worst should happen and there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You try again."

Russia vs. Irish Pub

Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings "Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!" "Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Putin paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back. Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Putin asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor." Putin sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke" "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well." Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring ya back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Putin! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Putin. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there's no way we can feed 200,000 Russian prisoners."

Airport Puns

Closet Puns

Counting the Engines

It just happens that a long time ago, and for the first time in their lives, two country boys take their first flight from Florida to New York. While they're talking to each other they get interrupted by an announcement from the pilot: "Sorry to disturb you all but I think it's best you know one of our engines has failed. Don't worry we can still make it on 3 engines but there'll be a delay of one hour." So they begin talking again but soon another announcement is heard: "We regret to inform you that our second engine has failed which will mean another delay of an hour but don't worry we'll still make it." So the two grumble a bit but not for long as the pilot's voice is heard again after a few minutes: "Unfortunately our third engine has failed, meaning there'll be a delay of another hour to the journey." One of them turns to his friend and says, "Well darn, if that last engine fails we'll be up here all night!"

Pineapple Puns

Orange Puns

Egg Puns

Crow Puns

Framed for Success

An attorney called and asked to speak to his client, a wealthy art collector. He said, "Matt, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an absolutely rotten day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars, and I think she might be right." Matt perked up and replied, "Amazing! My wife is such a brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

Air Travel Quotes

Wifi Puns

Toilet Puns

Real Estate Puns

The Lucky Find

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million... and I think she could be right." Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

Nerdy Pick Up Lines

The Weird Interview

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter. This “TRUE” interview went as follows: The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?” The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?” Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?” Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?” Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your breasts twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't YOU get mad?” THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED.

Cherry Puns

15 Minutes Late

A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round. She says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 am." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse. Finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "Well I'm ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, "What if it's pointing straight up?" "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

Be More Tactful Next Time

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward... not so fast, James!"

The Kind Wife and the Sneaky Neighbor

A young couple had recently gotten married, and after three months, the wife went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she was pregnant. She was thrilled, but the doctor also informed her that, due to a rare complication, she shouldn't have sex with her husband until after the birth. The wife went home and told her husband what the doctor had said. The husband agreed to try and hold out. After a month, the husband couldn't resist anymore and asked his wife to be intimate. Of course, she refused. Seeing her husband so depressed and sad, the wife called him over and said, "My dear husband, I know you're suffering. Here, take $100 and go to a sex worker to relieve yourself." The husband took the money and thought to himself, "What a wonderful and considerate wife," opened the door, and went down the stairs, feeling cheerful. When he reached the first floor, the neighbor's wife saw him and asked, "Why are you so happy?" He happily told her the whole story. She then said, "Why go looking outside for a sex worker? Give me the 100 bucks, and I'll take care of you." The man agreed, gave her the money, went into her apartment, enjoyed himself for twenty minutes, and then returned home. His wife saw him and was astonished, asking, "What happened, dear? You came back so quickly; did you change your mind?" The husband replied, "I went downstairs, and the neighbor saw me. She offered to take the money instead, so that's what I did." His wife got very angry and said, "What a jerk! When she was pregnant, I did her husband for free!"

Why the CIA is Special

The Police Department, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The police go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The CIA goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

How to Test Candidates

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements?" Manager: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation: If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And... If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, congratulate them and put them in Management."

The King, the Weather and the Donkey

Once upon a time, there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot. And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

Witch Puns

Onion Puns

The Blonde Model and the Co-Pilot

A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class. The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy. The blonde replied, "I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy. Again, the blonde replied: "I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.” The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear. She immediately got up and said, "Okay, thank you". She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replied, "I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York."

A Call From the Other Side

Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit. True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head. "Benny...Benny..." "My gosh... Is that you, Dan?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times... then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again". "Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!" "What heaven? I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

A Special Hearing Problem

An elderly man feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, but meanwhile, suggested a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens when I talk to her." "Honey, what's for dinner?" He calls. No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. He starts shouting. "HONEY, what's for dinner?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "HONEY, what's for DINNER??". No response. So he walks right up behind her and screams: "HONEY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER??!?!" His wife turns to him a rage and screams. "CHICKEN, CHICKEN! For the FIFTH TIME WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!"

The Obituary

Betsy and Dan were married for 25 years. They were famous for fighting and generally disliking each other. One the 26th year Dan had a heart attack and died. A few days later Betsy walks into the local newspaper's office and asks to post an obituary. The Ad Editor informs her, "We can do 4 lines with a maximum of 80 words for $100". "Nah." She says, "That's a a lot of money and he didn't do much. What else you got?" "Ok," Says the editor awkwardly. "We can do 3 lines and a maximum of 25 words for $35." "Nope, still too expensive..." She grimaces. "What else ya got?" Flustered, the ad man wants to get her out the door and tells her, "We have the economy options - 2 lines, 5 words max, $5." She agrees. So he fills out the order and asks, "okay, what do you want it to say?" She thinks for a moment and then says: "Dan's dead. Car for sale."

The Best Invention in the World

A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world. "It is the laser," said the soldier, a man of obvious superior intellect. "The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional." "No," interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier's phenomenal mind. "It is the radar. With a radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch." "I disagree," said the airman, a man of, well he's an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool. "The greatest invention is the thermos." "The thermos?" exclaimed the other two. "Yup, a thermos," he said. "I mean, just think about it. If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it." "Yeah, so?" quizzed the other two. "Well," said the airman, "How does it know?"

Fall Puns

The Milking Machine

A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch, and everything else was automatic. Soon, he found that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (thank God for cell phones!). "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"

Snake Puns

Nuts Puns

The Horse and the Chicken

A man faces a violation for adding horse meat to the chicken stew in his restaurant. At the court he’s asked why he did it and how much horse meat was in those stew. “For the money of course and I solemnly swear I always kept the ratio 50:50!” While the infraction caused many unhappy customers, upon seeing the man’s honesty the judge decides not to revoke his license. However he in turn must always advertise that horse is part of the ingredients. With a sigh of relief, the restaurant owner pays the fine and walks out of the court house with his wife and friend He friend asked him “Did you really put horse meat or did you add anything else with the chicken?” “Nope. Only horse meat and chicken”. “Now tell me the truth man, come on, it was mostly horse meat wasn’t it?” “Nope. It was always 50:50... one horse per one chicken.”

Horse Puns

How to Hear a Confession

A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and give some tips. After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like "I see" or "I understand" or "Yes, my child. Go on". The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock. "You've done well," said the older man. "Isn't that much better than slapping your knee and yelling 'No way! What happened next?'"

Murphy's Laws of Computing

Murphy's Laws of Computing: 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human.. to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. 10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. 11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Three Questions For Three Blondes

Three blondes are in front of the Heavenly Gate. Each of the blondes lives a sinful and depraved life of lust and drugs. Yet, after their deaths, they find themselves before Saint Peter. Peter looks at these three girls and shakes his head. Then after a moment, he speaks, "O.K ladies, the Lord as decided to be merciful and give you another chance. I'm going to ask each of you the same question. If you get the question right, God will let you into Heaven. If you get it wrong, it is a Hell you will be a-going." Peter then reminds the girls. "You will each be asked the same question. So if the first girl gets it right, the other two will get it as well, So choose carefully as to who will answer the question first." The girls whisper amongst themselves, and the first blonde steps up, "I will answer first." Peter eyes her over and asks, "What is Easter?" The first blonde thinks about it and answers, "It where everyone decorates their trees and gives each other presents." Saddened, Peter informs her, "I am sorry, but you are wrong." Suddenly a big fiery pit opens up below her and swallows her up. The second blonde steps up. Peter asks the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde smiles and proudly announces, "That is the day when everyone dresses in green, and if you do not, everyone pinches you." Peter looks at here, saddened, "I'm sorry." The pit opens up and then swallows the second blonde. The third blonde steps up and smiles widely, as Peter asks," What is Easter?" The blonde proudly announces, "That is the day when Jesus was betrayed to the Romans, and crucified by Pontius Pilate. When they took him off the cross, they placed him in a large tomb and sealed it shut with a large stone." Peter was surprised, "That is very close. What you described is good Friday. What comes next?" The blonde continues, "Well, the next day they move the rock away, and when Jesus comes out, if he sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of Winter!"

Quotes

A Range of Tests

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead." The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?" The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform." "YES! I have to be absolutely certain." The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, "send in Mrs. Fluffkins!" In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman's husband, the cat swatted at the man's face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room. "Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Walter!" In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman's husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor's gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room. "Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Collin!" Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, "OY BI**H YA HUSBANDS FU**IN' DEAD" and walked out of the room. "Thank you Collin," said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall "Ma'am can you come in here?" A elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor. The doctor looked at the card, "Dead. Thank you ma'am, that'll be all." The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband's lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard. "I'm sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead." He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. "Take this to the front desk and they'll check you out." The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk. The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, "I'm sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000." "32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can't possibly be right, I've never paid that much to see the doctor." The receptionist looked over the paper again, "Well it's $100 copay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma'am-ogram, and a stool analysis."