What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys