Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.