For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.