What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.