What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.