Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.