For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.