A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!