When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.