What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."