A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.