Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.