What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.