It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.