What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!