Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.