My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male