How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."