I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".