What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.