My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.