I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.