Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".