Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.