I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!