I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.