My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.