This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.