Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.