What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?