Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.