I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.