How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.