I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.