I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.