Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.