A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.