This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.