Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.