Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.