I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.