How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.