Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.