What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..