What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.