I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.