Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"