Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"