Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.