Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
You know what they say? Words.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.