Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Knock knock.
Come in.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.