Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.