What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
You know what they say? Words.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.