Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.