Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
You know what they say? Words.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.