Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
You know what they say? Words.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.