How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.