“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx