"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower