"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“A pizza slice a day keeps sadness away.”
― Jet Paacal
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln