“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery